Dear Polo, I'm in Ohio right now, but I grabbed this picture before I left to remind me what a bad friend I've been. I mean, really, does a good friend let you walk around looking like a hot mess? No. No, she doesn't. That hair? That scruff? You're making Benji look like David Beckham. You definitely need a good trim, a bath, and your tail to be combed. Let's leave the dreadlocks to Bob Marley, m'kay?

It's a good thing I love you as much as I do (and write you creepy letters online) because with a face like yours, I'm tempted to eat you whole. Wrapped in a jerky-flavored tortilla.

Love,
Your best friend