A crazy thing happened while I was in Italy. I inherited a new pet. From my neighbor. A sweet family lives next door and though we've been within 60 feet of each other for two years, I don't know them. I mean, we do the neighborly Nod-n-Parade Wave when we see each other exiting garages, throwing out garbage, and hanging Christmas lights, but nothing more. It's all very OC.

While we were in Italy, my sister-in-law Claudia housesat for us. She emailed JD and said our neighbor dropped off her family fish and asked if she could fishsit. I reread the email. Because, really, I don't even know my neighbor's name…why would she trust me with her family pet?!

All this brings me to today. The fish–who I've named Horace, part two–is still living in our house. Our neighbors are home. They arrived the same day we did. I hear them. Laughing. Exiting their garage. And yet, Horace still waits and swims in my office. Do I walk him over in his tank and knock on the door? Do I send a note, signed Your Loving Fish? Do I hold him for ransom? All this is making me anxious and I worry I'm getting attached. To Horace. And it makes Polo jealous.

All this leads me to another installment of Kisses and Disses…

This week's DISSES go to…
*Nameless neighbors who get me all attached to their fish.
*24 Hour Fitness and their fingerprint scanning system. I can't use a standard pass anymore. They want to use my fingerprint as admission. To.the.gym. Are you kidding me?! The only people who can have my fingerprint are God and the LAPD. In that order.
*Laundry. You know that feeling when you get home from vacation and all you think about is the impending pile of dirty socks and gelato-stained shirts? So there right now.

This week's KISSES go to…
*My loofa. Yes, it costs just $0.99, but I missed it while I was away.
*America. I might just bust out my flag right now, but I really love this country. And it's abundance of wifi Internet.
*Jetlag. Many thanks to our travel schedule, I'm now waking up at 5:30am and I ACTUALLY LIKE IT.

Happy Wednesday!