It’s time for a brain dump. This is a time when I sit on the interwebz and try to process the [often times] ridiculous thoughts that run through my brain like a stampede of wild buffalo. I had a conversation last night with a friend and she asked why I no longer wrote personal updates on my blog and social media.
My lower jaw went slack. I tried coming up with something to say, to refute her question. But my mind went blank.
WHERE DID ALL THE WILD BUFFALO GO?!
I looked her straight in the eye and said: “Because I’m afraid.” I used to be unafraid to admit I was intimidated and unembarrassed by naivety. But all that changed when I made myself believe I had to be someone else on social media. I convinced myself my life was boring, I wasn’t smart enough, I wasn’t interesting enough. And as a result, I hid behind the online version of what I thought I should be.
But that version—that shell of me—isn’t the truest depiction of who I am. Want the real stuff? Okay, here it is: I AM boring. I work in yoga pants all day. I eat the same breakfast six days a week. I don’t wash my hair everyday. I’m afraid of admitting I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I fear being judged. Most days I feel like a fraud. I am broken, but I am whole. And somehow through the mess that is my inner mind, I am happy.
I am stupidly happy. Why? Because I’m awkward. And social media is awkward. When I find someone whose awkwardness is compatible with mine, the Internet becomes an awesome place.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you. Thank you to those who’ve grown with me, who’ve embraced the awkward. I want to be okay not being okay and share the journey with those who care.