When I’m Afraid to be Myself Online

It’s time for a brain dump.  This is a time when I sit on the interwebz and try to process the [often times] ridiculous thoughts that run through my brain like a stampede of wild buffalo.  I had a conversation last night with a friend and she asked why I no longer wrote personal updates on my blog and social media.

My lower jaw went slack.  I tried coming up with something to say, to refute her question.  But my mind went blank.


I looked her straight in the eye and said: “Because I’m afraid.”  I used to be unafraid to admit I was intimidated and unembarrassed by naivety.  But all that changed when I made myself believe I had to be someone else on social media.  I convinced myself my life was boring, I wasn’t smart enough, I wasn’t interesting enough.  And as a result, I hid behind the online version of what I thought I should be.

But that version—that shell of me—isn’t the truest depiction of who I am.  Want the real stuff?  Okay, here it is:  I AM boring.  I work in yoga pants all day.  I eat the same breakfast six days a week.  I don’t wash my hair everyday.  I’m afraid of admitting I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.  I fear being judged.  Most days I feel like a fraud.  I am broken, but I am whole.  And somehow through the mess that is my inner mind, I am happy.

The Lab-6

I am stupidly happy.  Why?  Because I’m awkward.  And social media is awkward.  When I find someone whose awkwardness is compatible with mine, the Internet becomes an awesome place.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you.  Thank you to those who’ve grown with me, who’ve embraced the awkward.  I want to be okay not being okay and share the journey with those who care.